Foo Fighters - Long Road To Ruin

Let concepts and ideas fall apart.

Whatever occurs is neither the beginning nor the end.

In the simplest of terms,

the times, they are a changin'

We've all had those moments in our life where we've felt like we have hit ROCK BOTTOM. The acknowledgment that life has just NAILED you. For many of us, we've felt as though we've reached this point several times throughout our lives, each time feeling worst than the last. The sentiment of 'you thought that last time was bad? look at your life now!'. Regardless of the cause(s) we are also all too familiar with the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies this moment of hitting rock bottom. Maybe we feel abandoned. Alone. Hopeless. We yearn for solid ground and the comfort of familiarity.

I recently experienced yet another one of these rock bottom moments. The details aren't important but the lessons learned are invaluable. I've spent 29 years living with the concept that all negative feelings need to be 'fixed'. Whether it's loneliness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, or anger I've always felt that it was my responsibility as a functioning adult to make these feelings GO AWAY by any means necessary. Take my mind off of it. Dive into a creative endeavor. Mask the feelings with alcohol, drugs, or whatever else I could get my hands on. Stay busy. Go out even when I feel like staying in. Meet new people. Sleep. To some extent these coping mechanisms have worked for me in the past. However, my most recent rock bottom moment hit me harder than all previous ones, which I believe is partly due to the fact that I am living 2,000 miles away from everyone and everything that would typically bring me the comfort of familiarity. 

I. WAS. HOPELESS. 

At my worst I spent an entire day in bed. Literally the ENTIRE day. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watching television, reading a book, and listening to music was TOO MUCH. The negative feelings were whirling around in my mind with such velocity that I just laid in bed, practically comatose, thinking to myself 'I will just lay here in this very spot forever and ever'. And I was okay with that. 

Day turned to night, night turned to day, and soon enough it was time to go back to work. Gathering the energy and willpower to shower, dress, and force something solid into my stomach felt like an impossible task, yet I managed. As I grabbed my bags to walk out the door I caught a glimpse of an audio book that a friend had recently given to me. I had initially dismissed it as some sort of self-help nonsense, but at that very moment I would have tried ANYTHING to make the noise in my head GO AWAY. 

Now let me be clear - this single audio book did not fix my problems nor save my life. However, the author and narrator of the book, Pema Chodron has certainly had a PROFOUND impact on my life. Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun living in Nova Scotia, Canada. It would be impossible for me to summarize or condense her teachings into one concise sentence or paragraph, but I can tell you what I have personally gleaned from her teachings. 

It is HUMAN NATURE to seek comfort in stable ground, yet our lives and this universe are in a CONSTANT state of change. It is only when you are able to accept and find comfort in this constant state of change that you can be at peace with yourself. Instead of trying to push away or mask your negative feelings recognize and EMBRACE them for what they are. The experiences that led you to that rock bottom place in life? Those are the experiences that build character and wisdom. Those are the experiences that allow you to walk away as a more compassionate human being.

Being able to be comfortable during these difficult times is no easy task. It takes time and commitment to  rewire your brain. As I continue to follow Chodron's teachings, blogs containing any of Chordron's words of wisdom will be tagged with the label 'Pema Chodron' for purposes of giving Chodrom proper credit and enabling easy navigation of this blog..

No one has ever been on the exact road that you're on, because it is yours and it has never been traveled before. 

This is my journey. 

Always on My Mind

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have

If I made you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied 

-Willie Nelson

Always on My Mind

he's the man...

Shelter From the Storm

"And if I pass this way again you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death and men who are fighting to be warm
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".

 

-Bob Dylan

Little Girl....

Little girl, don't you go letting life harden your heart. 

 

 

If you look hard enough....

Behind the hardness of rage

and the shakiness of fear

there is tenderness in sorrow and in gratitude.

Risky business

Bodhichitta

Bodhichitta is a Sanskrit word that means 'noble and awakened heart'. It is said that in difficult times, it is only bodhichitta that heals. When inspiration has become hidden, when we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of the pain itself. Bodhitchitta is our heart - our wounded, softened heart. Right down there in the thick of things we discover the love that 

WILL NOT DIE. 

the thing about love.....

Practice Loving Kindness

The idea behind the art of practicing loving kindness? 

 

Like a mother bird and her chicks, we are a poignant mixture of something that isn't all that beautiful but is dearly loved. We stay with ourselves and others when we're screaming for food and have no feathers and also when we are more grown up and more appealing by worldly standards. 

 

LOVING KINDNESS. 

Remember....

Try a Little Tenderness....

The In-Between State

We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren't told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It's the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength.

Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It's how the warrior learns to love.

-Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You

No one said it would be easy....

Welcome to Today....

On Communication...

We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who's right and who's wrong. We do that with the people who are closest to us and we do it with political systems, with all kinds of things that we don't like about our associates or our society. It is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blame others. Blaming is a way to protect your heart, trying to protect what is soft and open and tender in yourself. Rather than own that pain, we scramble to find some comfortable ground.

Pema Chodron

Goodnight my lovelies

It's Good to Feel You Are Close to Me

-Pablo Neruda

It's good to feel you are close to me in the night, love,
invisible in your sleep, intently nocturnal,
while I untangle my worries
as if they were twisted nets.

Withdrawn, your heart sails through dream,
but your body, relinquished so, breathes
seeking me without seeing me perfecting my dream
like a plant that seeds itself in the dark.

Rising, you will be that other, alive in the dawn,
but from the frontiers lost in the night,
from the presence and the absence where we meet ourselves,

something remains, drawing us into the light of life
as if the sign of the shadows had sealed
its secret creatures with flame.

Darling?

It's just that when you're 

standing beside an open

window at twilight, you can

say more to each other than

in the bright sunshine

There is still time to become a LEGEND

Hope vs. Hopelessness

What happens with you when  you begin to feel unsettled, uneasy? 

Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something.

That grabbing is based on hope. 

Not grabbing is hopelessness. 

If hope and fear are two sides of one coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. 

If we are willing to give up hope that pain and insecurity can be exterminated, 

then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. 

(Pema Chodron)

You are PRECIOUS

When something is precious,

Instead of holding it tightly,

Focus on opening your hands and sharing it with the world.

 

 

Go Against the Grain

via Pema Chödrön....

Go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms. 

Wanting it to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. 

Dissolve the walls you've built around your hearts.

Dissolve the layers of self-protection you've worked so hard to create. 

Dissolve the fixation and clinging of ego.

This is life. And it's happening.