Sunshine on my cheeks...

If not now, then when?

This photo. This statement. It could not be a more accurate summary of my recent past. I'm just beginning to understand it all. For the first time in my life I'm putting myself first and honoring this person I've become, flaws and all. It's not easy to truly face yourself. To sit with the uneasiness of who you imagine(d) yourself to be and who you truly are. To admit to your soul that you have indeed done things you never imagined you could. You've been the "bad guy" before. Last year consisted of a series of trips and falls, leading to heartbreak after heartbreak, and a downward spiral into a depression I had never known before. A seemingly bottomless pit with a force strong enough to grip it's prisoners and force them into a vortex of  self-doubt and crushing anxiety. I hoped the dark days would be worth it. I hoped it would lead to a more genuine, fulfilling, honest life in the near future. I doubted my rationale more times than I can recall. I thought last year was going to be my year. And it was, in a way: I grew by leaps and bounds. I began to learn how to love myself. I started to explore the idea of "boundaries", something mostly foreign to me before. I understood why my previous relationships were so inherently unhealthy. Not all, but most. I learned what to avoid and was absolutely enthralled by the idea that I still get to meet my partner. I still have that to look forward to! How could I possibly be sad? 

This year I'm ready to stand up for myself and to have the courage to put these 34 years of lessons and knowledge into practice and just go. Dive in. In so many aspects of my life. No more over-analyzing. No more excuses. Suck it up and live the life you've dreamed of living. If now, never. 

Just go.

Just One of Those Days...

You may know, but if not,  I lost one of my soulmates, Charlie, while living here in this cabin in Tujunga. This insanely intelligent and stubborn and loyal and loving little mutt. My travel companion, my best friend, my heart. Still no closure, over one year later. Yesterday at perhaps the worst possible timing I saw a dog running down my street as I was scurrying off to run overdue errands just hours before my dear friend was flying in for a quick weekend reunion. Of course I had to stop. And this pooch jumped right into my car! With 89 things left to do that day and after running on a long stretch of roughly 3 hours of sleep per night I was overwhelmed and drained in every possible way. Knocked on a neighbor's door where I heard voices. Long story made (slightly) shorter, despite a few unfortunately stressed and frustrated folks (myself included), both a local neighborhood and several online social communities came together conucurrently to reunite this guy with his family. My heart swells with joy for this guy who got a second chance with his family, but I'd be lying to say it didn't also reignite the raw ache for Charlie.

Lesson learned? Life happens. Deal with it. Take the time. Do the right thing. Even if it's insanely inconvenient. Even if it rips open a deep emotional wound. When did we become so selfish? Help each other out. Be kind. Focus on your shit. Try not to judge others. Set boundaries and don't make exceptions. Inner happiness comes with true inner confidence. When you feel good about the decisions you've made that day, ESPECIALLY on your worst day, the happiness and love follows. 

Helping a stranger is a tragically overlooked but sai believe (single girl here!) an  all-telling sign of someone's character. A mere exchange of words and/or currency between your interest and those in the service industry can reveal a rainbow of characteristics in your partner. Most importantly, respect, boundaries, and generosity. Pretty big deals in a committed relationship. These themes will follow you both throughout your lives, so I suggest you solidify your own personal opinions before trying to come to a mutual agreement with a potential life partner on such main themes. If you're not being your authentic self? If you question yourself as to why you're trying to bend and contort your mental and physical body to fit into someone else's vision? Just go. Continue on. I'm still a hopeless romantic, don't get me wrong. And I always will be, it's a part of me that I love and embrace. I've learned to love my scarred yet open heart. But I have learned the hard way...over and over and over again. Recently in a rapid-fire sort of test battle, it seems. Too often I give my partner the benefit of the doubt. I have a bleeding heart and when it bleeds, it gushes. Takes my breath away. But as my tattoo says, 'c’est la vie'. Lessons learned. Hearts broken. Hearts rebuilt. Stronger and truer than ever, 

My heart beats for me. My heart beats for you. 

Be yourself. Everything else is a lie.

Another theme that has perhaps been ever-present in my life but has been been especially waving its' red flags right in front of me lately is the value of AUTHENTICITY.

So often people are so desperate for love or companionship that they are willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto the idea that they have finally found this person who they were looking for, even if it means changing their very identity to make this love/companionship work. I'm sure most of us have been guilty of this to a degree, some more than others. 

The problem is, it's a lie. 

There is a significant difference between making adjustments to your lifestyle or perhaps letting go of certain relationships that no longer suit you when you are committed to someone, and just plain surrendering to whatever your partner wants/demands.

If you can't or are unwilling to stand up for your own convictions to your partner, consider the fact that those beliefs/friendships/etc aren't worth standing up for. Without getting into detail about the effects social media has on relationships (that's another post), I've had so many relationships where the men will drop female friends on a dime. Block people. Delete People. Talk poorly of them. Downplay their relationship. Only to pick up where they left off once said man and I have parted ways. 

I don't want that. If someone I was dating told me to eliminate a friend (and yes, of course this has happened) from my life because he wasn't comfortable with this friend, I would tell him to take a hike. That is, if it was a friend who I VALUED. I have nothing to hide. I am secure in my decisions. 

The other side? The partner who will just bow down and do whatever it takes to keep you? They are the one who is insecure. And my heart aches for the friends they are so willing to drop, only to reunite with when single. There is no value to that friendship. It's an ego-booster. These friendships are superficial and exist only to stroke the ego, pat the head, and make the insecure one feel wanted, even if it's based on a very superficial "friendship". Why would you want to be friends with someone who would drop you without argument? There can be many victims in this scenario. 

Someone wise once told me that there will clearly always be disagreements between two people in love. Healthy boundaries (for both parties) need to be established and respected. And there may be a deal-breaker that gets thrown into the mix. A core belief, a gut feeling of mistrust about someone specific your partner may have in his/her life. And you know what? THAT'S OK. It's easier said than done, but the truth of it is that if you stumble upon a deal-breaker that can't be resolved? Don't compromise your values or feelings or make yourself small to fit into someone else's mold. 

The hopeless romantic in me always wants to believe that when in a relationship, my partner and I can conquer ANYTHING. But when you're still figuring each other out? You may fundamentally disagree on core issues. AND THAT'S OK TOO. 

Just don't shrink yourself or be with someone who is willing to do that for you. Because it's all a show. It's a veil. Temporary. Be yourself and be damn proud of it. And if you can't agree on important matters of the heart and mind? MOVE ON. PLEASE, I BEG YOU. 

Anything else is just a waste of time. 

And this is me, learning how to be blatantly honest and respect myself. It's been a long journey that I know will never end. But let's at least try to get off on the right foot here. 

And don't be sad that this person wasn't true to him/herself. That's their problem. Be excited for the future and trust that if you want it, the right person will come. One who doesn't shrink or try to shrink you. One who doesn't change based on relationship status. One who is confident in self. I'm still waiting for that person, but I'm not in a hurry. For once, I am trusting that people will come into my life when I'm ready. I just haven't been ready yet. 

Love yourself. The rest will come. 

Tangled Dreams

It happened again. I woke suddenly from a deep sleep. Heart racing, body trembling, and clothes damp in a cold sweat. I sat up to take inventory of my surroundings, to try to escape that repeating nightmare, to bring myself back to the present. I was 21, maybe 22. Living in a tiny loft apartment in downtown Milwaukee. I was in college, feeling hopelessly lost. It was summer break. I looked next to me and saw this soft man, with these perfectly curled lips and I scooted closer to him. Half asleep, he asked if I had had another one of those dreams. Yes, I had, but I was okay again. Back to sleep. 

This man. Do you ever close your eyes and think about the specific events in your life that all needed to conspire to take place at the right time to get you to that exact very moment? This was one of those moments. I dated a boy before this man who quite enthusiastically took it upon himself to teach me all about the "real" indie rock...the small record labels...the secret shows....the bands you'll one day catch yourself saying "yeah, well I know them before....". I am so thankful for that boy who made music a part of my life. Like a seventh sense. It was an integral part of me. It made me feel alive. This man? With the perfectly curled lips? I found his band online. I happened to fall in love with the lyrics, and in true indie music spirit I stopped at the local record store to BUY THE CD. Sure this was still in the age of free downloads at the tip  of your fingertips, but I felt that out of respect for this little band that I so loved they needed my $12 probably. And so I listened to this cd on repeat as I drove around in my little Toyota Celica and memorized every word, wondering if I could ever have a good voice. Did I have a good voice? Doubtful. Could I harmonize with someone? Very doubtful. 

The time came. It was end of second semester and I KNEW that I was going to fail my Organic Chemistry exam. I just knew it. Damn all that memorization. But as I walked out of that final exam, feeling doubtful and making a vow to myself that I would never ever take that class again, my friend picked me up and rushed me to the airport. I had friends in Toronto. It was only a 45-minute flight from Milwaukee and I loved going there. They lived in a very large, very old, very industrial (read: kind of inhabitable?) loft. Nothing quite made sense, but I loved it. It was in an industrial part of town, next to a Chocolate factory. We would climb a ladder in one of their bedrooms to the roof where whiffs of melting chocolate would drift by as we sipped whiskey and stared at the vast skyline. That day, after my last exam that haunted me, I was rushing to the airport to jump a plane to see this very band for the first time. I could hardly contain my excitement. 

My Toronto friends were waiting at the airport with a bottle of whisky in their hand. Never had I wanted a drink more! Things are a bit blurry after that. I do know this much. I found the singer that night. I told him that I was fairly certain I had failed my organic chemistry exam so it was clearly time for a a change in my life. I asked if he wanted to go on a ROAD TRIP with me. I was out of my mind, but that's usually when I'm at my best. 

The details will be filled in at another time, but that man with the perfectly curled lips? He was the singer of that band that I had listened to for so long. And he was stroking my hair so I would fall back asleep. And he would leave more of an impression on my life than I ever thought possible.