the times, they are a changin'

We've all had those moments in our life where we've felt like we have hit ROCK BOTTOM. The acknowledgment that life has just NAILED you. For many of us, we've felt as though we've reached this point several times throughout our lives, each time feeling worst than the last. The sentiment of 'you thought that last time was bad? look at your life now!'. Regardless of the cause(s) we are also all too familiar with the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies this moment of hitting rock bottom. Maybe we feel abandoned. Alone. Hopeless. We yearn for solid ground and the comfort of familiarity.

I recently experienced yet another one of these rock bottom moments. The details aren't important but the lessons learned are invaluable. I've spent 29 years living with the concept that all negative feelings need to be 'fixed'. Whether it's loneliness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, or anger I've always felt that it was my responsibility as a functioning adult to make these feelings GO AWAY by any means necessary. Take my mind off of it. Dive into a creative endeavor. Mask the feelings with alcohol, drugs, or whatever else I could get my hands on. Stay busy. Go out even when I feel like staying in. Meet new people. Sleep. To some extent these coping mechanisms have worked for me in the past. However, my most recent rock bottom moment hit me harder than all previous ones, which I believe is partly due to the fact that I am living 2,000 miles away from everyone and everything that would typically bring me the comfort of familiarity. 

I. WAS. HOPELESS. 

At my worst I spent an entire day in bed. Literally the ENTIRE day. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watching television, reading a book, and listening to music was TOO MUCH. The negative feelings were whirling around in my mind with such velocity that I just laid in bed, practically comatose, thinking to myself 'I will just lay here in this very spot forever and ever'. And I was okay with that. 

Day turned to night, night turned to day, and soon enough it was time to go back to work. Gathering the energy and willpower to shower, dress, and force something solid into my stomach felt like an impossible task, yet I managed. As I grabbed my bags to walk out the door I caught a glimpse of an audio book that a friend had recently given to me. I had initially dismissed it as some sort of self-help nonsense, but at that very moment I would have tried ANYTHING to make the noise in my head GO AWAY. 

Now let me be clear - this single audio book did not fix my problems nor save my life. However, the author and narrator of the book, Pema Chodron has certainly had a PROFOUND impact on my life. Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun living in Nova Scotia, Canada. It would be impossible for me to summarize or condense her teachings into one concise sentence or paragraph, but I can tell you what I have personally gleaned from her teachings. 

It is HUMAN NATURE to seek comfort in stable ground, yet our lives and this universe are in a CONSTANT state of change. It is only when you are able to accept and find comfort in this constant state of change that you can be at peace with yourself. Instead of trying to push away or mask your negative feelings recognize and EMBRACE them for what they are. The experiences that led you to that rock bottom place in life? Those are the experiences that build character and wisdom. Those are the experiences that allow you to walk away as a more compassionate human being.

Being able to be comfortable during these difficult times is no easy task. It takes time and commitment to  rewire your brain. As I continue to follow Chodron's teachings, blogs containing any of Chordron's words of wisdom will be tagged with the label 'Pema Chodron' for purposes of giving Chodrom proper credit and enabling easy navigation of this blog..

No one has ever been on the exact road that you're on, because it is yours and it has never been traveled before. 

This is my journey. 

The In-Between State

We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren't told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the outside but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It's the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what's happening, we begin to access our inner strength.

Yet, it seems reasonable to want some kind of relief. If we can make the situation right or wrong, if we can pin it down in any way, then we are on familiar ground. But something has shaken up our habitual patterns and frequently they no longer work. Staying with volatile energy gradually becomes more comfortable than acting out or repressing it. This open-ended tender place is called bodhichitta. Staying with it is what heals. It allows us to let go of our self-importance. It's how the warrior learns to love.

-Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You

On Communication...

We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who's right and who's wrong. We do that with the people who are closest to us and we do it with political systems, with all kinds of things that we don't like about our associates or our society. It is a very common, ancient, well-perfected device for trying to feel better. Blame others. Blaming is a way to protect your heart, trying to protect what is soft and open and tender in yourself. Rather than own that pain, we scramble to find some comfortable ground.

Pema Chodron

Hope vs. Hopelessness

What happens with you when  you begin to feel unsettled, uneasy? 

Notice the panic, notice when you instantly grab for something.

That grabbing is based on hope. 

Not grabbing is hopelessness. 

If hope and fear are two sides of one coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. 

If we are willing to give up hope that pain and insecurity can be exterminated, 

then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. 

(Pema Chodron)

Go Against the Grain

via Pema Chödrön....

Go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms. 

Wanting it to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. 

Dissolve the walls you've built around your hearts.

Dissolve the layers of self-protection you've worked so hard to create. 

Dissolve the fixation and clinging of ego.

This is life. And it's happening.

Wowza

Perhaps the craziest past 24 hours of my life. I'll spare you the details. I'm alive and well, just very stunned and amused at how small this world can be. 

 

 

Taaaaa-daaaaaaa

It's been a long day, but the first of my products are up for sale! Stop by and take a look when you have a chance. 

madamewanderlust.etsy.com 

Big Changes

I've been working like crazy (aside from my day job where I also work like crazy) to finally create my own Etsy store, and thanks to help from friends I'm hoping to have it up and running tomorrow! 

And special thanks to my friend Aaron Spransy http://www.canarycoalmine.com/ - due to his creative amazingness I even have a fancy business logo! 

Wish me luck, and please stop by when you have a chance! 

Take 2

Lesson learned? Taking a picture each hour for an entire day is more difficult than it seems. I started off well....covered the first three hours, then suddenly looked at the clock and realized it was 4:00pm. I've been awake since 7:00. Huh. It's scary how fast time flies by sometimes. So, I'm going to try this again - tomorrow - but post it Monday as tomorrow is Suzanne's day to shine. :) For now I'm cleaning up the house and getting ready to check out the Eagle Rock Brewery with some friends. Merry Saturday to all! 

Ridiculous

I sincerely believe that part of finding peace with life is understanding and accepting the difference between realism and optimism. For me, this difference is a very thin thin, a very grey area. I'm an optimist and a dreamer at heart, but I try to sprinkle bits of realism into the picture whenever possible. Truly understanding my thought process is helping me immensely with setting goals for myself, and just being plain ol' happy. Content. But never complacent. In my world there is no such thing as a typical day, but tomorrow my goal is to take one picture per hour of what a day in my world looks like - it's chaos, it differs greatly on a daily basis, but it's all me, and it's all mine. 

Was today just a dream?

It took guts to do what I did today, and regardless of your title, position, or the company you work for, taking risks is the only way to progress in life. And holy crap, is it ever scary. But as long as you believe in yourself and your skills/capabilities, it should pay off. 

So get on out there and conquer the world! 

Back with a vengence

Hello my lovelies, I apologize for my absence. 

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you felt as though everything had completely turned upside down? Like someone pulled the rug out from under your feet only to reveal that there was nothing beneath that? I have. More than once in my life, in fact. But the good news is that I always manage to pull myself together, find my bearings, and most importantly, continue to move forward. 

Change seems to be the word of 2011 thus far. And whether you'd like to admit it or not, change is a scary concept. Liberating and intriguing as well, but mostly very frightening and uncomfortable. 

I came close to leaving this California life behind and traveling to another destination. I even considered traveling back to my hometown. After countless sleepless nights, lots of wine, and way too many lists of pros and cons, I decided to risk it all and stay in LA. Granted, I moved to another neighborhood and am probably paying more rent then I'd ever like to admit to my parents, but I am in constant awe of the beauty of my neighborhood. I'm in the mountains, and can see the San Gabriel mountains, downtown LA, and even the Griffith Observatory....all from my very house. I even have a fireplace that I have no idea what to do with! 

This move has inspired me to take charge of my life....through trial and error I believe that I have finally figured out what I want in my life to be happy. This has been by far my greatest accomplishment. So....my new found outlook on life will allow me to get back into blogging. I'll soon be opening an Etsy store as well, so stay tuned! 

I hope you'll come back and visit me here....my goal is to help everyone find the inspiration they need to find happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Good night, sleep tight. 

Still no news.....

Aside from the obligatory 'working' that comes with any Monday, I'm going to do as much of this as possible, until I hear something (anything) about the moving situation!



I swoon over Einstein...

Hooray, it's Friday! But this particular Friday is bittersweet...I'm still without an official move-in date, and all of this 'living in limbo' is driving me bonkers! I just bought some coffee yesterday...whole bean - my favorite but realized that I had already packed the coffee grinder (in which box? oh, who knows). I have a whole day off of work tomorrow...but don't know what to do! I think that in an effort to take my mind off of the moving situation I'm going to go on a mini photo expedition and celebrate the end of the day with a Salty Dog (recipe here)

Stressed to the Max!

I apologize for the lack of posts - it's been a stressful past week, and of course I got sick to top it off! My body is terrible at handling stress - I'm fully aware of this fact yet I can't seem to change it. My living situation was turned upside down, and as I scrambled to find another place to live, the original place seems to be working itself out again (believe me, my fingers are crossed on this one) Hopefully everything works itself out by next week!



Sooo tired.....

I can't shake the weekend! I'm exhausted today...plain ol' exhausted. We'll see how much of today I can pretend to be productive....



Moving day = Forever Away

Time is slowing down, I'm sure of it. Moving day is still scheduled for the end of February, but lately I feel like IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I'm keeping busy for sure, but my mind is so preoccupied with moving that everything else in life kind of feels like an inconvenience. So meanwhile, I'll continue to make plans in my head and draw design scribbles on notepads. And wait.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Whether your spending the evening alone or with someone you love, I hope you find the time to do something that makes you smile. xx