"To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest."

 

 

We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.

Death in Everyday Life

We experience death all of the time. 

We experience it in the form of things not working out.

We experience it in the form of things always being in a process of change. 

When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, 

that's death in everyday life.

Addicted to Hope

Theism is an addiction. 

We're all addicted to hope. 

Hope that the doubt and mystery will go away. 

As a result we hold onto hope and miss out on the present.

Let concepts and ideas fall apart.

Whatever occurs is neither the beginning nor the end.

the times, they are a changin'

We've all had those moments in our life where we've felt like we have hit ROCK BOTTOM. The acknowledgment that life has just NAILED you. For many of us, we've felt as though we've reached this point several times throughout our lives, each time feeling worst than the last. The sentiment of 'you thought that last time was bad? look at your life now!'. Regardless of the cause(s) we are also all too familiar with the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies this moment of hitting rock bottom. Maybe we feel abandoned. Alone. Hopeless. We yearn for solid ground and the comfort of familiarity.

I recently experienced yet another one of these rock bottom moments. The details aren't important but the lessons learned are invaluable. I've spent 29 years living with the concept that all negative feelings need to be 'fixed'. Whether it's loneliness, sadness, jealousy, resentment, or anger I've always felt that it was my responsibility as a functioning adult to make these feelings GO AWAY by any means necessary. Take my mind off of it. Dive into a creative endeavor. Mask the feelings with alcohol, drugs, or whatever else I could get my hands on. Stay busy. Go out even when I feel like staying in. Meet new people. Sleep. To some extent these coping mechanisms have worked for me in the past. However, my most recent rock bottom moment hit me harder than all previous ones, which I believe is partly due to the fact that I am living 2,000 miles away from everyone and everything that would typically bring me the comfort of familiarity. 

I. WAS. HOPELESS. 

At my worst I spent an entire day in bed. Literally the ENTIRE day. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Watching television, reading a book, and listening to music was TOO MUCH. The negative feelings were whirling around in my mind with such velocity that I just laid in bed, practically comatose, thinking to myself 'I will just lay here in this very spot forever and ever'. And I was okay with that. 

Day turned to night, night turned to day, and soon enough it was time to go back to work. Gathering the energy and willpower to shower, dress, and force something solid into my stomach felt like an impossible task, yet I managed. As I grabbed my bags to walk out the door I caught a glimpse of an audio book that a friend had recently given to me. I had initially dismissed it as some sort of self-help nonsense, but at that very moment I would have tried ANYTHING to make the noise in my head GO AWAY. 

Now let me be clear - this single audio book did not fix my problems nor save my life. However, the author and narrator of the book, Pema Chodron has certainly had a PROFOUND impact on my life. Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun living in Nova Scotia, Canada. It would be impossible for me to summarize or condense her teachings into one concise sentence or paragraph, but I can tell you what I have personally gleaned from her teachings. 

It is HUMAN NATURE to seek comfort in stable ground, yet our lives and this universe are in a CONSTANT state of change. It is only when you are able to accept and find comfort in this constant state of change that you can be at peace with yourself. Instead of trying to push away or mask your negative feelings recognize and EMBRACE them for what they are. The experiences that led you to that rock bottom place in life? Those are the experiences that build character and wisdom. Those are the experiences that allow you to walk away as a more compassionate human being.

Being able to be comfortable during these difficult times is no easy task. It takes time and commitment to  rewire your brain. As I continue to follow Chodron's teachings, blogs containing any of Chordron's words of wisdom will be tagged with the label 'Pema Chodron' for purposes of giving Chodrom proper credit and enabling easy navigation of this blog..

No one has ever been on the exact road that you're on, because it is yours and it has never been traveled before. 

This is my journey. 

If you look hard enough....

Behind the hardness of rage

and the shakiness of fear

there is tenderness in sorrow and in gratitude.

Bodhichitta

Bodhichitta is a Sanskrit word that means 'noble and awakened heart'. It is said that in difficult times, it is only bodhichitta that heals. When inspiration has become hidden, when we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of the pain itself. Bodhitchitta is our heart - our wounded, softened heart. Right down there in the thick of things we discover the love that 

WILL NOT DIE. 

Practice Loving Kindness

The idea behind the art of practicing loving kindness? 

 

Like a mother bird and her chicks, we are a poignant mixture of something that isn't all that beautiful but is dearly loved. We stay with ourselves and others when we're screaming for food and have no feathers and also when we are more grown up and more appealing by worldly standards. 

 

LOVING KINDNESS.