Another theme that has perhaps been ever-present in my life but has been been especially waving its' red flags right in front of me lately is the value of AUTHENTICITY.
So often people are so desperate for love or companionship that they are willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto the idea that they have finally found this person who they were looking for, even if it means changing their very identity to make this love/companionship work. I'm sure most of us have been guilty of this to a degree, some more than others.
The problem is, it's a lie.
There is a significant difference between making adjustments to your lifestyle or perhaps letting go of certain relationships that no longer suit you when you are committed to someone, and just plain surrendering to whatever your partner wants/demands.
If you can't or are unwilling to stand up for your own convictions to your partner, consider the fact that those beliefs/friendships/etc aren't worth standing up for. Without getting into detail about the effects social media has on relationships (that's another post), I've had so many relationships where the men will drop female friends on a dime. Block people. Delete People. Talk poorly of them. Downplay their relationship. Only to pick up where they left off once said man and I have parted ways.
I don't want that. If someone I was dating told me to eliminate a friend (and yes, of course this has happened) from my life because he wasn't comfortable with this friend, I would tell him to take a hike. That is, if it was a friend who I VALUED. I have nothing to hide. I am secure in my decisions.
The other side? The partner who will just bow down and do whatever it takes to keep you? They are the one who is insecure. And my heart aches for the friends they are so willing to drop, only to reunite with when single. There is no value to that friendship. It's an ego-booster. These friendships are superficial and exist only to stroke the ego, pat the head, and make the insecure one feel wanted, even if it's based on a very superficial "friendship". Why would you want to be friends with someone who would drop you without argument? There can be many victims in this scenario.
Someone wise once told me that there will clearly always be disagreements between two people in love. Healthy boundaries (for both parties) need to be established and respected. And there may be a deal-breaker that gets thrown into the mix. A core belief, a gut feeling of mistrust about someone specific your partner may have in his/her life. And you know what? THAT'S OK. It's easier said than done, but the truth of it is that if you stumble upon a deal-breaker that can't be resolved? Don't compromise your values or feelings or make yourself small to fit into someone else's mold.
The hopeless romantic in me always wants to believe that when in a relationship, my partner and I can conquer ANYTHING. But when you're still figuring each other out? You may fundamentally disagree on core issues. AND THAT'S OK TOO.
Just don't shrink yourself or be with someone who is willing to do that for you. Because it's all a show. It's a veil. Temporary. Be yourself and be damn proud of it. And if you can't agree on important matters of the heart and mind? MOVE ON. PLEASE, I BEG YOU.
Anything else is just a waste of time.
And this is me, learning how to be blatantly honest and respect myself. It's been a long journey that I know will never end. But let's at least try to get off on the right foot here.
And don't be sad that this person wasn't true to him/herself. That's their problem. Be excited for the future and trust that if you want it, the right person will come. One who doesn't shrink or try to shrink you. One who doesn't change based on relationship status. One who is confident in self. I'm still waiting for that person, but I'm not in a hurry. For once, I am trusting that people will come into my life when I'm ready. I just haven't been ready yet.
Love yourself. The rest will come.
